Reflection as an Adult Skater

I’m taking this opportunity to openly reflect on my return to competition and some of the challenges that came along with skating again. I’m not sure how long this will be because I’m winging it but I hope there are some learning lessons and reflections that are noteworthy. 

Let's go back a little bit, the day I was born… Just kidding, we won't go back that far. I started skating when I was 3 years old. Skating was part of my life and became my whole life during my childhood and teenage years. My skating career ended in October of 2015 by tearing my ACL and Meniscus coming out of a double twist. With that injury came some relief amongst many other emotions but I knew the relief was because this injury was my way out. I actually hated skating at the time. I had such a hard time with it mentally. Anyways, this led to me getting my Masters in Sport Psychology and becoming a Registered Psychotherapist. I had taken time away from the rink while focusing on school but was always partially involved in skating by teaching Canskate or coming back for ice shows. UNTIL, one day (sometime in the spring of 2024) one of the skating coaches at the club I work at mentioned that when you turn 28 years old you are eligible for international competitions. Immediately my brain lit up! What a great excuse to travel, I thought!

Probably the wrong intentions but travel is what got me back into skating. However, travel wasn’t the only motivator. Ever since I started working as a therapist I have had the privilege to make my own schedule but with that came absolutely no routine. I thought if I started skating again I would be able to create a better routine and schedule for myself. I also really struggled with working out, for the last 9 years it has been a challenge to go from training for a goal, to working out for “physical health”... I’m still trying to figure that part out. I wanted to get back into shape and I wanted to be strong again. I was struggling with going to the gym for any other goal that wasn't related to a gold medal. I’ve also been thinking about my spine a lot more in recent years and I believe that skating helped keep my scoliosis so resilient. So to summarize I went back into skating to travel, create a routine, get in shape. ….So, probably all the wrong reasons, but who's to say what's right or wrong?!

My very first competition back after 9 years was an international competition being held in Alberta…. no pressure. I remember being so stressed and strict leading up to the competition I wouldn’t let myself drink alcohol and I was always thinking about food and my body. I had incredibly high (and unrealistic) expectations of myself to have all doubles in my solo and have the same endurance that I once had when I was 16 years old. However, could you imagine that not only did I put high expectations on myself physically but also mentally as well. I thought that because I was a therapist with a masters in sport psychology and counselling psychology I should have all my sh*t figured out. … Lets just keep piling on the pressure. I thought that because I was the mental health “expert” (I don’t even like the word expert) in sport I should be able to remain calm and perform my absolute best because of all the tools and knowledge I had learned from my degrees. 

I waited until the deadline to register for the first competition of the season and when I finally registered that is when I started training (talk about procrastination). I had choreographed a freeskate and artistic program, trained them both in about a span of a month and a half before the actual competition date. Again unrealistic expectations. (I forgot about how much endurance it takes to get through a program).  The very first competition was an International Adult Competition meaning that adult skaters from around the world would come to this competition which was being held in Alberta. There were a few skaters from other countries but majority of the skaters were from Canada and U.S.A. I remember being incredibly stressed out to the point of being so tense I experienced so much back pain.

 The cool thing about Alberta was that it is truly a beautiful place and great for hiking but I didn’t want to go hiking before my competition. My only focus was on competing which kind of made me feel bad because I dragged my boyfriend along and we went with two of our friends who were also a couple interested in hiking. We did go on a hike before the competition which I was absolutely dreading. I was scared of getting hurt or being sore or having to run from a bear (was I really being dramatic though??) I was already so tense and anxious thinking about the competition and this hike that I was short of breath before we even started the hike. We met up with another group of friends in Kananaskis and I could barely keep up with the group. And because I could barely keep up and I was short of breath I became very frustrated with myself, almost in a panic about how slow I was and my lack of stamina. I was literally beating myself up for being out of breathe. Which as you would assume turned into a nasty cycle. …Anyways, that hike was not fun and I probably hated every second of it purely because I was in my head the entire time.

Maybe I was actually behind the group because I was too busy taking pictures.

Competition day was finally here and my Artistic was first thing in the morning at 8:00am and my freeskate was the same day at 8:00pm. Having two programs on the same day was unusual , typically programs are on separate days. This didn't bother me so much because I knew I could have a nap in between.

My artistic skate did NOT go well. I hadn't competed in 9 years but DAMMM this was next to one of my worst skates and this program doesn't even have jumps so how is that even possible?! I remember feeling like I couldn't even skate, my legs were so numb and not working. My flying sit was a little shaky, and my specific thought was “if you can't even do a flying sit in your artistic, how the heck are you supposed to get through a free skate”. For reference, a free skate is a program is a choreographed program that includes jumps and spins, while artistic is choreographed but has no jumps and only one or two spins. I also might refer to a program as a solo as well which is the same thing. So I proceeded to spiral throughout the whole artistic program literally freaking out about my freeskate while I was skating my artistic. I got off the ice feeling so disappointed, embarrassed, and ashamed. I was actually quite upset with myself and questioning why I was even here and what the heck I was thinking. I was embarrassed because my friends came to watch. I felt ashamed because of all the time and money that my parents put into this sport and this is what they get (clearly i’m looking at it the wrong way because I have been successful so many times and my hard work paid off a long time ago). And again embarrassed because I’m the sport psychology person and should be able to compete my best all the time, every time. 

We left the rink and went back to the hotel where I planned to take a nice long nap … but I made the mistake of watching my artistic on video. Boy was that a mistake because instead of taking a nap I literally had an internal mental breakdown about how fat I looked in my dress and how chunky I was. For a while now I’ve really struggled with body image. It has been incredibly hard to transition out of sport and naturally gain weight. Additionally, starting this very happy relationship that I’m in, I put on weight as well (probably too many drinks by the lake). The worst part about gaining weight over the last couple of years was that people noticed, and I knew people noticed because comments were made. They probably thought that I was overeating when that wasn't it at all, I was actually undereating. I used to go to bed hungry and complain to my partner that I was hungry. It never occurred to me that maybe I was so hungry at night because I wasn’t eating enough during the day until later on. After the  Alberta competition I had actually started eating more because I knew I wasn't eating properly or enough. I feel as though body image concerns come with aesthetic sports and so many athletes need help with this and there should be preventive resources out there.

….Anyways here I am having this mental breakdown about how chunky I looked in this red dress. I even mentioned to my boyfriend how chunky I looked and his obvious response was to reassure me that I looked fine …. I didn’t believe him and just assumed he was blind as a bat (even though he just got lasik). I knew I was competing in a couple hours and freaking out was not going to be helpful at all. So I made the conscious decision to park it and switch my focus to the freeskate. Knowing that all this negativity was only going to bring me down further. I focused on the neutrality of things and that was to just go out there and try. So freeskate time rolled around,  it was actually delayed from 8pm to 10:00pm because of a power outage during the afternoon. They rushed us on the ice for our warm-up right after the zamboni, so the ice was absolutely sopping wet. I probably popped every jump in my warm-up because I didn't want to fall and get soaked. I was tense and nervous and my shoulders were up to my ears. I was first to skate and kept on repeating to myself “I’m going to be fine, I'm going to be fine”.  I started with a nice big Axel but then fell on the double toe, which was actually quite shocking to me because I never fall on that jump. I was more in shock than I was mad. I progressed on with my solo focusing on one element at a time. But thanks to the lack of endurance all my planned doubles turned into singles and I played it safe the rest of the program. I was somewhat disappointed after this skate knowing that I could have done so much more. The nice thing about skating first is that at least I’m in first place for a little bit haha. But to my surprise I actually stayed in first and won the freeskate event. My program component mark which is composed of skating skills, speed, power, and presentation saved my a$$ once again. I was actually really motivated after this competition because I knew I could do so much more. But for now I could finally go hiking and enjoy myself with friends, and I was actually able to keep up!

Skipping forward a couple months. I was on the ice here and there but not seriously training because, well, I have adult responsibilities now and skating is no longer my full time job. I knew the Adult championships in Ottawa was coming up towards the beginning of March. I started skating more about a month leading up to the competition. I would go skate two or three days a week and when it was 2 weeks before I was trying to do the last minute boogie and train 4 to 5 days a week. But I took a different approach to this competition coming up. I didn't focus on my body image so much, I didn’t frequently check the mirror and freak out. I didn’t worry about what that dress was going to look like on me. In fact when I actually put my dress on I didn't go look in the mirror at all (avoidance can sometimes be an unhealthy coping mechanism). I beat myself up a little bit less about how out of shape I was. I realized that freaking out about how out of breathe I was only lead to a harder time breathing. It was like this weird cycle like being out of breathe made me so anxious that I would be even more out of breathe while having this idea that I shouldn't be out of breathe. I hope that makes sense. 

I started doing F45 classes and the cardio classes helped me get out of breathe and expose myself to that sensation without beating myself up and I actually think that really helped my cardio and my mindset about it.

When it comes to visualization, I really like this tool and feel like I am quite good at it, maybe too good. When I was training for the Alberta competition I would listen to my solo with music and visualize it while I was sitting down or lying in bed. BUT my heart rate increased and I felt so incredibly anxious and uncomfortable even though I was only visualizing. I noticed this started happening again when I started my visualization practice approaching the Adult champs in March and knew I had to work on controlling my heart rate while visualizing. Because if you could imagine that I could make my heart rate jump just by imagining my solo, how do you think I’m going to feel while actually doing my solo?!

I also had this preconception that I was gonna be dying after my program and barely got through it. Obviously the dread and built up anxiety just thinking about skating a program didn’t make this any easier. So I decided to try a different approach. I might as well find something that is going to be more helpful because what I’m doing now sucks! So I created an analogy that I was a race horse and I was going to run this program as if I was a race horse; strong, powerful, and stamina. That was actually the best program I had run in practice all season. …Too bad I only thought of this like 3 days before the competition. 

I also decided to relax a little. Leading up to this competition I didn’t make such a big deal out of it. I didn’t restrict myself, I kept to my regular routine which was bowling and drinking on friday nights. We had friends over the weekend before the competition and I still had a couple drinks then. I kept to my usual eating habits. I let myself be human.

I still had many negative thoughts and concerns leading up to the competition. A lot of “What Ifs” snuck into my mind. What if I skate badly and the coaches I work with think I’m no good or what if I skate badly and that would look bad since I’m the mental performance person at the club I work at. Again that pressure to perform well because I’m in this leadership role. What if I bomb my program or pop my jumps?! How bad would that look? All the fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, and fear of mistakes started clouding over.  

I knew that when all those fearful thoughts came up I had to put them to the side and shift towards things I needed to focus on. I knew I couldn't control the outcome but I knew I could control my thoughts and that would at least set me up for a better outcome. I focused on Breathing. I know how much research supports the concept of breathing mindfully and it's not just “fluffy” stuff. I knew the only way to decrease my heart rate was by taking slow deep breaths. I also cant take slow deep breaths if I’m constantly sucking in my stomach so I appear thinner which was another big problem of mine and something I have been doing for a long time. Proper breathing should be done through the nose and be deep in our belly and not breathing through the chest. So I let that belly go and even purposely expanded it as I tried to breathe in and slowly exhale. 

To also help shift from the what ifs was quickly grabbing my phone right before my on-ice warmup and quickly jotting down facts. Facts that had proven my success or achievements in the past.. This is literally what I wrote down…. 

My freeskate was my first program. I had my freeskate scheduled on Friday at 9:00am and my Artistic the next day at 4:40pm. 

As I focused on my breathing, I was also  putting a large emphasis on keywords. These key words were short words that I needed to focus on for each element. For my axel my keyword is “Let it ride” so I would remember to ride the edge to the toe and just let it go naturally. My double toe was “relax” “strong core” or “left side up” depending on the day. My footwork started off with power but then half way it would be “BREATHE” “slow down”. During the program I actually struggled as I got closer to the end of the footwork. I was doing everything really well but I could feel myself starting to gag and panic. I tried to slow myself down but then the relieving thought of “just play it safe” seemed to bring me back down. Which meant I let go of my unrealistic expectations to do all doubles in my program and settled for nice singles. Looking back at it, it's somewhat disappointing but also relieving to make this choice half way through a program. But at that point my only goal was get through the program without leaning over gasping for air at the end. I was generally happy with this skate knowing it could have gone a lot worse. My technical score did win but what really secured my first place finish was once again my program component marks. So I think overall my freeskate went as good as it could, I mean I’m pretty happy about a gold medal. 

On to the next we had quite some time to kill before I competed my artistic at 4:40pm. Conveniently the Ottawa Senators were playing at 12:30pm. The NHL rink was literally 10 minutes away from the rink I was competing in. Plus tickets were super cheap! They were $55.00… you would never see that in Toronto! We had to check out of the hotel by noon anyway so why not.  What a great way to spend time! So me and my now Fiance packed our things, I had my hair and make up already done and we left for the Sens game. It was really cool being able to do that right before I competed, it was really cool that I allowed myself to do that right before I competed. And I had some chicken fingers and fries! Ottawa won in Overtime but we had left already to avoid the parking lot traffic. We got to the competition rink with plenty of time. 

For my artistic I don’t put too much pressure on myself because I don’t really know how it works. I feel the judging is very subjective and you're not really sure what you are going to end up with or at least I don't know. Literally my only goal was to feel like I had legs and stay bent in my knees. Especially considering how the Alberta competition went where I had no legs and could barely skate. For this program I knew I was first after the warm up, so I needed to save time towards the end of the warm up to breathe. I tried to keep in mind my breathing technique throughout the entire warm up. Only skating one lap during warm-up I had stopped for a sip of water. I thought this was kind of funny because I hadn't actually done anything yet but I needed to slow myself down. 

My music started and I let myself do what I loved to do most and that's performing. I made eye contact with the judges and stayed in my knees. I controlled only what I could out there. I was quite satisfied by the end of that program and apparently the judges were too which helped me secure another gold medal. 

Artistic skate podium

As I reflect back on my first skating season as an adult my biggest challenge was definitely my expectations. Specifically my expectations that I should still be able to do everything that I could do when I was 16 years old, that I should be able to spin flawlessly, that I shouldn't be out of breathe, I should be able to do a program full of double jumps, and I don't remember ever being nervous for a competition when I was younger so what the heck were those feelings?! As you could tell, there are a lot of “should statements” which are big cognitive distortions. 

Something I have noticed is that I detached from medals and I think this has been a really healthy thing for me. I have a big box of medals that used to be hung in my bedroom and those were like my life’s work and made up quite a bit of my identity and maybe even worth. It wasn’t until I saw my fiance stash his Soccer tournament medal in his night stand drawer. I’ve even seen him throw one of his medals in the garbage just because he was clearing things out and it didn’t matter much to him. I was surprised and confused, like what the heck are you doing?!?! But I think seeing that allowed me to not identify so closely to medals or allow them to determine my worth as an athlete or person. So one of my medals is still in my skating bag and the other ones are lost in clutter.

I’m trying to still find the fun in skating despite a gold medal or not. Because obviously winning is fun but what is skating when your not winning? There must be something else drawing me back to this sport. But a big accomplishment for me is having fun and living my life while also competing and finding balance in my life. 

I was speaking to a very successful skater many years ago when I was working on my Masters thesis and I remember her saying, “you can still have a slice of pizza and a glass of wine and still call yourself an athlete” …. she was right.